J.J. Abrams is taking on Star Wars. We know this. He’ll direct Episode VII. We know. We also know it means, let’s face it, he won’t do a third Star Trek film. As I looked at that, yesterday, I realized we’d been here before.
Early 2000s, Bryan Singer was some hot shit. He’d directed the X-Men movie, which turned into a giant hit helping pave the way for the comic movie bonanza we’ve been loving since. He went on to do X2 and that only made everything bigger. A third movie got talked about. Everything looked fine.
Until Superman came calling. Singer left to do Superman and X3 still needed to happen. So while Singer was busy making what ended up being a terrible Superman film, Brett Ratner made a Brett Ratner movie.
For those of you who don’t know what that means – it was bad.
So here we are, six years later staring at the same news. Will history repeat?
Look, Abrams was famous for saying his key to Star Trek was to make it more like Star Wars. Which is wrong and silly, but it was a guiding light for him. And if you look at his Star Trek movie as something that was supposed to be Star Trek learning from Star Wars it doesn’t seem like he learned a lot of great lessons there. So what would his Star Wars look like?
I think it’s going to be style over substance. Not that past Star Wars haven’t been the same, but still. You hope for better. I think we’re going to see some supposedly pretty, but oddly slow, things set in space. And then some people delivering tough guy dialogue that never quite works because Abrams left out the high-five.
No that high-five comment is serious. Remember the bit in Star Trek where Kirk and Spock … oh here’s the scenes for you (thanks to IMDB):
James T. Kirk: Showing them compassion may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It’s logic, Spock. I thought you’d like that.
Spock: No, not really. Not this time.
Nero: [replying to the offer of assistance] I would rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you.
James T. Kirk: You got it! Arm phasers. Fire everything we’ve got!
And as they walk apart there should have been a high-five between them. But he left it out. So yes, Star Wars will be more of the same. An utter lack of high-fives.
But then I look at the rest of this and I realize – what if Brett Ratner directs Star Trek 3? I have some theories:
1) Chris Tucker will play the Red Shirt who doesn’t die, but keeps almost getting killed, escaping at the last second, every time, with a witty line about how he doesn’t think this should happen.
2) In the future we will rediscover loud music, which will play on the bridge of the Enterprise at all times, until Chekov tries to turn it down. Sulu will then argue with him about changing his station.
3) There will be a beautiful women who is also useless as a character and there simply to tell us how bad ass she is, while she is still reduced to just eye candy.
4) It will be insulting, in the sense of “wow they expect us to buy that?” to anything with a pulse.
So, yeah. Can’t hardly wait for this. You?