Doctor Who 811 “Dark Water” Review and Quotes – I’m Dying for an Upgrade

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Speaking of upgrades, this episode was an entertaining upgrade over last week’s fairly bland story about trees.  After only frustratingly short and cryptic teasers about Missy, we finally learn who she really is.  If you haven’t seen the episode yet, do NOT read on unless you like spoilers.  I mean, obviously, a post filled with quotes from the episode is going to be full of spoilers, but the “big reveal” surrounding Missy’s identity is an industrial-sized spoiler.  You’ve been warned.

Warned, I say!  Okay, it’s your funeral.

So … Missy, Mistress, Master!  This reveal has been met with very polarized reactions, but I absolutely loved it.  A lot of people thought MIssy might be the Rani.  Some felt that making her a gender-swapped Master is a cop-out, but it’s actually pretty cool.  The playfully evil Missy is a bit of both the Master and the Rani all rolled into a very amorous Mary Poppins-esque package.  This is the Master I’ve always wanted, but didn’t know it.

We also found out why Danny Pink doesn’t like to talk about his time in the military.  After Danny literally wanders into traffic, dies, and ends up in the Nethersphere, he meets a young boy.  This young boy was accidentally killed by Danny back when he was a soldier.

So, let’s back up to the beginning.  Clara’s gambit, albeit all in a dreamscape, of tossing all the TARDIS keys into a volcano confused me a bit.  There have been instances where the Doctor opens the TARDIS doors simply by snapping his fingers.  It seems they go back-and-forth over the locking method on the show.  It’s a minor quibble, I know, but since it was supposed to be Clara’s big move, it kind of rang hollow.

Did we get a hint of what’s to come in the finale hidden in the name of 3W’s founder, Dr. Skarosa?  SKAROsa?!!  As in Skaro, home of the Daleks?  Could Missy be working with the Daleks, or, dare I ask, Davros himself?  That name can’t be a coincidence.

Enough of me griping about tiny details, this was a seriously fun episode that gave us a new twist on two old foes – the Master and the Cybermen.  I’m going to have a very hard time waiting for next week, but until then, here’s a Nethersphere full of quotes from the episode.  Enjoy!

Image courtesy BBC America

Clara:  Start her up!
Doctor:  Where are we going?
Clara:  Away.
Doctor:  From?
Clara:  Just away.
Doctor:  Well, normally you say work or kids or dishes or dullness.

Doctor:  What’s so great about seeing a volcano?  It’s just a sort of a leaky mountain.

Clara:  You told me once what it would take to destroy a TARDIS key.  That’s what’s so good about lava.

Doctor:  If I change the events that brought you here, you will never come here and ask me to change those events.
Image courtesy BBC America
Clara:  One last chance.  And I don’t care about the rules.  I don’t give a damn about paradoxes.  Save Danny, bring him back or I swear … you will never step inside your TARDIS again.

Doctor:  Yeah, you’re quite the mess of chemicals, aren’t you?

Clara:  What do we do now?  You and me, what happens now?  Doctor?
Doctor:  Go to hell.
Clara:  Fair enough.  Absolutely fair enough.
Doctor:  Clara?  You asked me what we’re going to do.  I told you.  We’re going to hell.  Or wherever it is people go when they die … if there is anywhere.

Doctor:  Almost every culture in the universe has some concept of an afterlife.  I always meant to have a look around, see if I could find one.

Doctor:  You betrayed me … betrayed my trust.  You betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I’ve ever stood for.  You let me down!
Clara:  Then why are you helping me?
Doctor:  Why?  Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?
Image courtesy BBC America
Doctor:  Stop it with the eyes.  Don’t do that with the eyes.  How do you do that, anyway?  It’s like they inflate!

Doctor:  We’ve got work to do.  This is it, Clara, one of those moments.
Clara:  What moments?
Doctor:  The darkest day.  The blackest hour.  Chin up, shoulders back.  Let’s see what we’re made of, you and I.

Clara:  I don’t deserve a friend like you.
Doctor:  Clara, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m exactly what you deserve.

Seb:  Yeah.  That, uh, last thing that happened to you … that really happened, I’m afraid.  But, uh, that’s life.  Well, not life, I suppose, but …

Seb:  Oh, look at that.  You can see my house from here.  Yeah, sorry, probably not helping.
Image courtesy BBC America
Danny:  Where am I?
Seb:  Okay, you’re dead.  And this is what’s next.

Doctor:  I need skeptical, clever, critical.  I don’t need mopey, it puts years on your face.  And what if people see us together?  It looks like you’ve been melted.

Doctor:  Tombs with windows.  Who wants to watch their loved ones rot?

Doctor:  Why would anyone go to so much trouble just to keep watch on the dead?

Missy <voice>:  At 3W, afterlife means aftercare.
Clara:  Okay, a bit strange.
Doctor:  Very.  Why have the scrolling text AND a voice?

Missy:  Hello, I hope you’re well.  How may I assist you with your death?
Image courtesy BBC America
Doctor:  Clara … is it over now?

Missy:  I am Missy.
Clara:  Missy?
Missy:  Mobile Intelligent Systems Interface.  I am a multi-function interactive welcome-droid.  Helping you to help me to help you.
Doctor:  You’re very … realistic.
Clara:  Tongues?
Doctor:  Shut up.

Missy:  I am fully programmed with social interaction norms appropriate to a range of visitors.  Please indicate if you’d like me to adjust my intimacy setting.
Doctor:  Oh, yes, please, please do that.  Do that right now.
Clara:  Maybe just a tad, yeah.

Missy:  My heart is maintained by the Doctor.
Doctor:  Doctor who?
Missy: Doctor Chang!
Image courtesy BBC America
Chang:  Is there a particular dead person you want to talk to?

Doctor:  Are you okay?
Clara:  No.
Doctor:  Good.  There would be something very wrong if you were.

Danny:  You have iPads in the afterlife?
Seb:  IPads?  We have Steve Jobs!

Chang:  We call it dark water.  Only organic matter can be seen through it.  I keep saying they should use this stuff in swimming pools.
Doctor:  Why?
Chang:  Think about it.
Doctor:  I am thinking about it.  Why?
Image courtesy BBC America
Chang:  If you’ve had a recent loss, this might be …  This will be disturbing.
Doctor:  She’ll be fine.
Clara:  Speak for me again, I’ll detach something from you.

Chang:  Over time, Dr. Skarosa became convinced these were the voices of the recently departed.  He believed it was a telepathic communication from the dead.
Doctor:  Why?  Was he an idiot?
Chang:  He was able to isolate some of the voices, hear what they were saying.
Doctor:  So … an idiot, then.

Doctor:  Can you just hurry up, please?  Or I’ll hit you with my shoe.

Chang:  There is one simple, horrible possibility that has never occurred to anyone throughout human history.  The dead remain conscious.  The dead are fully aware of everything that is happening to them.
Seb:  So your mind is here, your soul, whatever you want to call it, and you’re in your new body in your new world.  But you’re still connected to your old body in your old world.  You’re still going to feel what it feels.
Image courtesy BBC America
Doctor:  Who would harvest dead bodies?  I feel like I’m missing something obvious.

Missy:  Humankind, bring out your dead.

Chang:  Oh, my God!  The tanks … the tanks are activating!  They’re not supposed to do that.
Doctor:  And all your dead people are standing.  Don’t you think you’ve skipped the headline?

Missy:  You know, I might have been guilty of just a teensy, little fibette.
Image courtesy BBC America
Missy:  Upload the mind, upgrade the body.  Cybermen from cyberspace.

Doctor:  Two hearts.
Missy:  And both of them yours.

Missy:  I’ve turned the lift off, though.
Doctor:  I presume you have stairs.
Missy:  Well, I’m not a Dalek.

Seb:  These emotions, they’re terribly difficult.  But, you know, we’ve got a thing for that.  We can help with all these difficult feelings.  Just press this.
Image courtesy BBC America
Missy:  I’m sorry, everyone, another ranting Scotsman in the street.  I had no idea there was a match on.

Missy:  All the graves of planet Earth are about to give birth.

Missy:  You know the key strategic weakness of the human race?  The dead outnumber the living.

Doctor:  Who are you?
Missy:  Oh, you know who I am.  I’m Missy.
Doctor:  Who’s Missy?
Missy:  Please, try to keep up.  Short for Mistress.  Well, I couldn’t very well keep calling myself the Master, now could I?
Image courtesy BBC America

Doctor Who: Death in Heaven airs Saturday, November 8 at 9/8c on BBC America

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Tom Gardiner