Image courtesy BBC America

Doctor Who 901: The Magician’s Apprentice – Pulling Quotes out of a Hat

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The ultimate dilemma … Do you kill an innocent child you know will grow up to be responsible for billions of deaths or do you let him live knowing what’s to come?  This is what the Doctor has to face in the opening of series 9.  This episode was a wonderful start to a series, giving us sweeping and exotic locations, albeit briefly in many cases, the return of old friends and enemies, and a noticeably less grumpy Doctor – one who’s ready to party.  Even if that party is to mark his (supposed) impending death.

Another thing this episode delivered in mass quantities is something you can count on every episode of Doctor Who delivering – memorable dialogue.  Here is my weekly rundown of all the quotes from the episode.  I try not to leave anything quoteworthy out, but if you notice an omission or an error, please enlighten me in the comments section below. I always appreciate and, quite frankly, welcome constructive criticism.

And now on to the quotes!

Doctor: Your chances of survival are about one in a thousand, so here’s what you do. You forget the thousand, and you concentrate on the one.

Doctor: I try never to understand – it’s called an open mind.

Doctor: Tell me the name of the boy who isn’t going to die today.
Davros: Davros. My name is Davros.

Image courtesy BBC America

Image courtesy BBC America

Sarff: We are Colony Sarff. We bring … harm.

Ohila: Welcome, Colony Sarff. We are the Sisterhood of Karn. If you do not leave our world immediately, we will take your skin.

Sarff: Where is the Doctor?
Ohila: Where he always is. Right behind you, and one step ahead. Tread carefully when you seek the Doctor, Colony Sarff, or he will be the last thing you find.

Clara: Jane Austen – amazing writer, brilliant comic observer, and strictly among ourselves, a phenomenal kisser.

Jac: Pardon my sci-fi, but this is beyond any human technology.

Clara: Kate, we can’t just phone the Doctor and bleat, he’ll go Scottish.

Missy: Okay, cutting to the chase. Not dead, back, big surprise, never mind.

Missy: I’m in a lovely little square in one of your, oh, I don’t know, hot countries. There’s a light breeze coming from the east, this coffee is a buzz-monster in my brain, and I’m going to need eight snipers.
Kate: Eight What?
Missy: Three for each heart and two for my brain stem. You’ll have to switch me off fast, before I can regenerate. How fast can you get here? Ooh, I’ll need to arrange you a flight corridor.

Image courtesy BBC America

Image courtesy BBC America

Missy: How’s your boyfriend? Still tremendously dead, I expect.
Clara: Still dead, yep. How come you’re still alive?
Missy: Death is for other people, dear. Would you like to sit in the shade? I know how you humans burn.

Missy: See that couple over there? You’re the puppy.

Clara: Since when do you care about the Doctor?
Missy: Since always. Since the Cloister Wars. Since the night he stole the moon and the President’s wife. Since he was a little girl. One of those was a lie, can you guess which one?

Missy: Try, nano-brain, to rise above the reproductive frenzy of your noisy little food chain and contemplate friendship. A friendship older than your civilization, and infinitely more complex.

Missy: Oi, you, sweaty one, on your knees. Let’s have a goodbye selfie for your kids.

Missy: Whoo hoo hoo! Mummy, do it again! Vortex manipulators – yours is slaved to mine. Cheap and nasty time travel.

Missy: You probably want to throw up, don’t you? Pick a local.

Doctor: What do you think of my tank? Don’t worry, it isn’t loaded.
Bors: I don’t like it.
Doctor: Neither do I. I bought it for my fish.
Bors: Your fish?
Doctor: I may have ordered … online! Oh, come on! Fish? Tank? Honestly, this stuff will be hilarious in a very few hundred years. Do please stick around.

Image courtesy BBC America

Image courtesy BBC America

Doctor: Well, we’ve partied. Yes! I helped you dig a well, with a first class, child-friendly visitor’s center! I’ve given you some top-notch maths tuition in a fun, but relevant way. And I’ve also introduced the word “dude” several centuries early.

Clara: How did you know I was here? Did you see me?
Doctor: When do I not see you?
Clara: What, one face in all of that crowd?
Doctor: There was a crowd, too?

Doctor: Well, you know what they say. Hugging is a great way to hide your face.

Doctor: It’s the wicked stepmother! Everyone hiss!

Doctor: Bors! Is it a marble again? Did you swallow one of the marbles I gave you? Don’t swallow marbles!

Sarff: Are you so dangerous, little man?
Doctor: You want to know how dangerous I am? Davros sent YOU. You know how stupid you are? You came!
<Sarff hisses>
Doctor: Is that supposed to frighten me? Snake nest in a dress?

Doctor: Davros is my arch-enemy. Why would I want to talk to him?
Missy: No, wait, hang on a minute! DAVROS is your arch-enemy now?
Doctor: Hush!
Missy: I’ll scratch his eye out.

Missy: Doctor, listen to me. I know traps. Traps are my flirting. This is a trap.

Image courtesy BBC America

Image courtesy BBC America

Doctor: How scared must you be to seal every one of your own kind inside a tank?

Doctor: Davros made the Daleks, but who made Davros?

Clara: How long have we been waiting.
Doctor: I don’t know. It’s always the way with hospitals.

Davros: I approve of your new face, Doctor. So much more like mine.

Missy: We’re on a planet, and that is not a space station, that is a building. And the rest of the planet, the whole thing, is invisible.
Clara: That’s ridiculous.
Missy: Well, yes, of course it is. I mean, how would you ever find your glasses? Or the little girl’s room? And what if you kissed an ugly?

Dalek: The TARDIS will not be entered. The TARDIS will be destroyed.
Clara: Yeah, well, good luck, because she’s indestructible.
Missy: Did the Doctor tell you that? Because you should never believe a man about a vehicle.

Image courtesy BBC America

Image courtesy BBC America

Missy: Daleks! Pay attention! You know what this is? This thing you’re about to destroy? I’ll tell you! It’s the dog’s unmentionables. And you know all about those, don’t you?

Doctor: Please, save Clara!
Davros: I gave the Daleks life, I do not control them.

Doctor: Why have I ever let you live?
Davros: Compassion, Doctor. It has always been your greatest indulgence. Let this be my final victory. Let me hear you say it, just once. “Compassion … is … wrong.”

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Tom Gardiner