OK, so it’s not totally Outlander-related, but we all need a laugh, right? Our favorite Highlander sidekick – well, MY favorite (Murtagh’s not a sidekick) – had some spare time this afternoon and offered to give bad advice for any situation. Dear Abby, were she still alive, would have nothing to worry about. And here’s some GOOD advice – don’t be eating or drinking while you read this.
Q Having a bad hair day. What do I do?
A Go everywhere with it, loudly bragging about your lustrous mop and how you’re blessed in the hair department. People will learn.
— Grant O’Rourke (@GrantORourke) January 24, 2018
Q What should I have for dinner?
A Skip dinner. Have breakfast instead. As long as that breakfast is a piping hot cup of butter.
Q What is the best way to fake an Scottish accent?
A Saying the phrase “Space Ghetto” in an American accent sounds exactly like a Glaswegian saying “Spice Girl”. True story.
Q What’s the best thing to do if you’re having a day from hell? Asking for a friend…
A Dance like everyone’s watching. And they’re throwing hot gravel at you.
Q How do I pass my geography exam tomorrow?
A Just know all the answers.
Q Should I have another glass of booze?
A Have several more! Preferably at a bus stop!
Q Aspiring actor and Just spent the day auditioning for BBC in London: Shoot!
A Follow up by delivering your headshot in an envelope full of glitter. Casting directors would probably love that.
Q What should I do when someone cuts me off in traffic?
A Follow them to their homes, write a stiff note and pop it through their letterbox. Inside a bag with some dogshit in it. Or glitter. Whichever you have to hand.
Q Custard cream or bourbon ?
A Neither. Old crab meat or at a push, found ham.
Q “Found ham” please explain.
A Any ham really that you find somewhere. Doesn’t matter where.
Q When your heart says yes and your mind says no, which do you listen to?
A I listen to my butt. Because I have a butt that won’t quit.
Q Job interview tomorrow at a castle, need to prepare a 5 minutes presentation on whatever subject I want. Any
#badadvice topic ideas?
A Just list everyone that’s ever wronged you and detail why they were in fact wrong. take as long as you want. Refuse to be silenced.
Q Sure .. What is the best way to meet new people?
A Hang out a stranger’s funeral. Spark up conversation by asking if there will be a buffet. Show people you’re fun by making saucy jokes.
Q We had freezing rain last night and there’s an inch of ice on my car. Any ideas to get my ice scraper from the boot (that is frozen shut)?
A Get all your neighbours to stand around it in a circle and breathe on it.
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